Tuesday April 24th Update (Part 1)

It is now 4 days later, early Tuesday morning April 24th. I will try and pick up where my last entry ended due to exhaustion but I may have lost some of the original motivation. The point I was heading toward was that our house is not home without Gretchen, the kid’s toys strewn about, and the dogs underfoot. It felt empty, lonely, and of no purpose. It was a harsh and stark reminder of just how much our lives have changed. We are living in New York City but not by choice, Ella has no yard to run around in and she is in love with the outdoors and our dogs. The dogs are living in Pennsylvania with Gretchen’s mother and I worry about Goldie our lab running away and losing the loving family she spent the first 2 years of her abused life searching for in a garbage dump and foster homes in Louisiana after being abandoned as a newborn puppy. The dump trucks, tricycles, wagons, and tractors that exist to be pushed pedaled, pulled, and driven around our house by Liam sit idle longing for him to return. I walked into Ella’s room on my way to bed and it smelled like my sweet angel. Several building blocks were scattered across the floor as evidence that the sound of laughter and play had filled this room but it seemed like so long ago. I walked down the hall to the room I so loved to spend Sunday mornings. The door and the safety gate sat open to the dark room that I loathed to enter but so needed to feel close to my son who was a world away from me this night. I cannot put into words the feeling of entering your child’s room under these circumstances and will not even try to for there is no way to do the feeling justice, though to be honest it is a feeling that deserves no justice and should be banned from this earth so that no other parent should have to feel the cold, empty, soul draining, misery that it bestows upon it’s victims. I entered Liam’s room and went to the side of his bed. I was flooded with images of him lying there surrounded by his puppies, books, toys, flashlights, and all of the other objects he took to his land of dreams each night. How he could sleep with so much stuff in his bed I have never understood but it is Liam’s way. Many nights while checking on him I found myself removing hard uncomfortable objects from under a leg, his side, or from his clutch, all while trying not to wake him. But tonight his bed was empty, free of toys, and random objects of his affection. I am filled with worry for the surgery that is just around the corner and with hope that we are home soon as a family and that the love, life, and laughter returns to make this pile of sticks and stones a warm and welcome home again. I have to go and wake Gretchen so that we can give Liam the shot that helps his white blood counts continue to rise. How would you like to be woken from a sound sleep and given a shot minutes after your eyes were open …right… now imagine being 2 and the two people you trust the most are violating this trust. Now think about what it feels like to be the one doing this to him and you have not even had your coffee yet. Yeah it pretty much sucks as much as you can imagine x 1,0000 maybe. Oh wait add that now while your child is still screaming you have to run out the door leaving your wife to calm him because you have a conference call that starts in 15 minutes. Better yet add that when you get to the office you find that the conference call you left a situation where you were truly needed did not even happen due to a scheduling error. Yes I know… you cannot imagine….it’s ok you don’t really want to.