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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Wednesday March 14th Update

Today was the first day that I was not able to easily put on a happy face and bury the frustration and anger that has obviously been building in me over the last two weeks. I could feel the darkness and the rage wanting to come out from the minute I opened my eyes to the day. I had started to explain it to all of you in this entry and how the last 24 hours worth of events came to a head and the anger that I was feeling but instead I deleted it. I could not find words to adequately recount the details. The short of it was I was frustrated and tired of having to ask for things again and again and again before someone in the hospital would make it happen coupled with outside stress points like work, cost of NYC apts., apt. broker fees, Ella, health insurance, and what seemed to be one piece of bad news after another just made for a crappy day and I felt as if I was walking around in a dark cloud. I realized however that the dark cloud was gone whenever I was next to Liam, reading to him, rubbing his feet, holding him, walking with him, pulling him in his wagon, or just looking at him. At those moments the dark cloud was lifted and all that mattered was Liam.

Before I left the hospital last night around 10:00 pm, Liam as if to help me end the day on a brighter note gave me signs of hope. He was suddenly intrigued by a clamp on one of the fluid lines and he requested one of his Candella lights from Uncle Brad who was standing near the table where they sit. He proceeded to take the cover off and to then shine the light on the clamp as he moved the mechanism around trying to understand how it was put together and how it worked. A few seconds later he was shining the light onto a Caiou drinking cup and then out loud proclaimed WOW! when he realized that the cup had moving parts…over and over again Wow ending with a very soft almost whisper.. wow…….I told him I was leaving and that I loved him….”I love you Daddy” said Liam….”See you in my dreams” I said…”See you in my dreams Daddy” said Liam ….I left with love and hope in my heart and a smile on my face.